Battle Royale Read online

  This edition © 2019 by Andrews McMeel Publishing

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  Published in French under the title Balade Royale

  © 2019 404 éditions, a division of Édi8

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  ISBN: 978-1-5248-5440-9

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2019934410

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  contents

  Cold Shower

  Here We Go Again

  Which Way to the Exit? (Small Island)

  Where’s the Exit? (Big Island)

  You’re in the Storm: Run!

  Third Door to the Right

  The Green Screen of Hope

  Building a Better World

  Gut Feeling

  The Big Game

  Grocery Cart Icarus

  The Angel of Death

  Sign Language

  Everyone Wins

  Everything Makes Sense

  Voyage to the Center of the War

  Falling from High

  The Exit is This Way!

  1

  Cold Shower

  No . . . no . . . no . . . noooooo . . . Aaaaah . . .

  No way! This is impossible . . . No, not right now . . . It’s too soon!

  I’m Paul. In less than one year, I’m supposed to turn eighteen. But, instead, I’m about to die.

  I’m free-falling, like a rock pushed off a cliff. Every second that passes, I get closer to the hard earth below. It won’t be long before I hit the ground and splat into a million pieces.

  Gulp . . .

  A bug or something just got stuck in my throat. Great! For the rest of my fall, no one will hear my screams anymore.

  My eyes are burning, and the wind is trying to rip through my body as I somersault, head over heels, like I just found a spider in my underwear. If only I could go back in time to make the most of my last moment.

  Urghhh . . . Aaaah . . . Umpph . . . Aaaah . . .

  With one last effort, I manage to position myself like an airplane. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean I’m actually flying. At least I look more like a secret agent in a James Bond movie than my little sister’s blankie after she’s chewed on it during a two-hour car ride.

  Dying so soon is awful; I won’t even get to visit the big island stretching out before me. It’s so beautiful with color scattered everywhere, including a lake and a desert. I can see towns, buildings, farms, a soccer field, and even swimming pools. And I love sports . . .

  What’s even worse is that, just a few hours ago, I landed my first acting role ever. A walk-on part, true, but it was in a blockbuster! I was going to make a name for myself, I just knew it. Now, this rising movie star is plunging toward his death at top speed. A career is falling flat before even getting started.

  It’s hard to imagine, but during a free-fall, the ground closes in really fast. The landscape becomes more detailed, kind of like zooming in on a picture on my phone. I think about doing a countdown, but change my mind, deciding that would be too morbid. What if I could aim for a big tree, a lake, or the sea —could I possibly survive? Aaah, it’s all happening too fast! I’m doomed!

  Ten minutes before

  I really don’t trust this bus. But in a few minutes, I’ll finally be on a movie set, and I’d do anything to get there! I don’t know what engineer designed this mechanical nightmare, but there is one thing for sure: he was absolutely insane. He attached a turbine with a balloon to an old bus to make it fly. Hey, guys, when are you going to realize that not every childhood dream is meant to be brought to life? To hide the creaking of the metal, all the driver could come up with was to play music at full blast. That way, when this contraption crashes, not only will we be dead, but we will all be deaf, too. Great! I’m being negative, but we all have our own way of dealing with problems. Personally, when I have to face my fears, I like to think things through. There are about one hundred people with me, each stranger than the next. It’s a miracle that we all fit in here. For now, I’m going with the flow, but I really hope someone shows up soon to tell me what to do.

  All of a sudden, everyone gets up and heads toward the back of the bus, then jumps out into the open in groups of ten or fifteen. My stomach does backflips; I start shaking all over. What in the world are they doing? I press my face to a window to watch them tumble downward. OK, they must be stuntmen who are practicing. I’m sure this is normal when filming a blockbuster. Honestly, they gave me a backpack when I arrived, but I never thought it had anything to do with parachuting out of the sky! Now, I’m one of the last people onboard, and this doesn’t look good. I’m starting to regret not reading the fine print in all the contracts they had me sign . . . Oops!

  Hang on, just a little bit longer.

  A guy near the exit waves me over to him. He’s not very friendly looking. In fact, he barely manages to smile at me. As I walk over to him, I think about the last time I ate ice cream. An acting trick to make me seem calm and relaxed. Once I’m within his reach, he lifts me up by the collar, like a mother lion carrying her cub, and, wham, he tosses me out into the open without a word. I look up at the sky and start screaming.

  “WOULD IT HAVE KILLED YOU TO SAY GOODBYE?!?”

  But actually . . . no. Not a single word comes out of my mouth. But it’s not because I didn’t open my mouth wide enough.

  So, here I am, hurling through the open sky.

  Crunch . . . Whoosh . . . Zip

  I don’t really understand how, but the backpack they gave me before leaving opens with a thunderous sound and turns into a sort of glider! I want to yell at the top of my lungs or laugh like a crazy person. I’M FLYING! I have no idea who decided to save me, but it looks like today is my lucky day! Drumroll, please; the rising star is back!

  Splashhhhhhhhh

  It’s freezing cold! I landed . . . well, more like belly flopped down . . . into a pond about as deep as the shallow end of a swimming pool. Before that, I had forgotten that gravity was still doing its job and I’d let go of all my troubles. I look down at my pants. I touch my legs, arms and shoulders, head . . . I feel the pressure of my hands on my body, but no pain. It looks like I’m ALIVE! And soaking wet. But alive, after all.

  Wading over to the shore is hard and takes longer than I expected. I’ve barely set foot on the ground, and the surface of the pond is already as smooth as glass. With a quick glance, I realize my clothes are already dry. That’s weird . . . But I can’t tell if it’s really hot or really cold. Maybe I wasn’t that wet after all, and I made a big deal out of it in my head. To top it all off, whatever I was using as a parachute has disappeared. Don’t panic; there has to be a logical explanation. My backpack is as light as a feather, so the material must have landed somewhere not far away, at the bottom of the pond. OK. Everything is fine. I’m still in shock. I’m sta
rting to worry for no reason. I just need to stay calm and everything will be OK.

  CALM DOWN! I’m in shock. Yes, that’s it, I’m overthinking. I can’t help it. That’s all over, in the past. I take a moment to slowly breathe in and out to release my stress. Breeeeeeeeathe in sloooooooowly through the noooooooose . . . Hummmmmm . . . Out through the mouth . . . Whooosh!

  It’s something I learned from a YouTube video. After doing this three or four times, I already feel a bit better. Not being able to talk isn’t a big deal; I can just act things out. With one last exhale, my shoulders and muscles relax.

  What do I see here? Behind me, there’s a farm with several barns. I won’t go that way: I don’t really like the country. More accurately, it doesn’t like me. Between the poison ivy, wasps, thorny bushes, and everything in nature that makes you sick for the rest of your life, the message is clear: “Stay inside if you don’t want any problems!” Which works out because that’s where I’m happiest. I’m not opposed to a short outing, unless the local guide shows up in rubber boots carrying a pitchfork. A cowboy hat and piece of straw sticking out his mouth, that’s fine. But, with a guard dog lunging at everyone who walks by, no thank you. So, I’ll save the farm until later. If I remember correctly, during my free-fall, I saw a gas station close by. I would rather press my luck with gasoline fumes. Maybe the people there will be more inclined to help me. Besides, I’ll be able to buy some candy, chocolate, or a nice treat. After that fall, I deserve it.

  There must be a film crew somewhere, and I’m gonna find them. A blockbuster about superheros with villains from outer space bent on taking over the world; it’s going to be a big hit! I absolutely have to be in this film. That’s what I signed up for, after all! With all those papers they had me sign, one thing is for sure: they have my name, and they know I’m coming! They must already be looking for me. First, I have to climb to the top of this hill in front of me, and then I’ll decide what to do next. By getting a little higher up, I’ll have a better view so I can get my bearings.

  Strangely, I feel great. I’m bouncing around like a little kid. Hop, hop, hop, I jump here and there while I make my way up the side of the hill. OK, I admit that wasn’t the longest climb ever, but I don’t feel tired at all. It must be the excitement . . . Even though I don’t like the country, it feels good to be outside.

  I reach the top and see several trees. The area seems to have lots of rolling hills. In the other direction, below and to the right, I think I see the gas station, but in front of me, a little farther away, there are some really strange structures. They look like pagodas, like at the Asian restaurant where I love to eat. There’s something strange about buildings like that being in the middle of the country. Hmmm. Those buildings must be part of the movie set! This future movie star didn’t leave his brain at home, and that’s good news. Forget the gas station; next stop, Little China!

  I have to hike down one hill, then climb another. This is good for my health! I hadn’t noticed it earlier, but now a tiny temple perched on a hill top catches my attention. A curious light is shining inside. I’m dying to stop by, but that wouldn’t make sense. I can’t lose focus; my goal is to get to that restaurant-looking building. It’s a tower with several stories. I think there will be more people over there, and at least I won’t be running the risk of offending a god who will curse my family for forty generations. I follow a winding path, and as I get closer, I’m less convinced that it’s occupied. I see picnic tables, which gives the place a very homey feel.

  Suddenly, I hear footsteps. Someone is running inside. A door slams, and, if I’m right, he or she must be rushing down the stairs. I try to shout to make my presence known, but there’s still no sound coming out of my mouth. Jeez! I have no idea what happened to me when I fell, but I’m going to have to use my awesome acting skills to show who I am and what I want. Urgghh . . . With my great luck so far, I’m going to end up in an ambulance wearing a straitjacket.

  While I was thinking, the sounds stopped. I continue to approach, and suddenly I hear a buzzing sound.

  Crrrrrrrrrraacck! Boooooom!

  A bizarre explosion. Was that person hurt? I’d better hurry up, because, if so, everything could change in just a few seconds. I run to the door like a madman, yank it open, and hurry into the room. No one’s home. There are columns and wooden stairs, but not a single piece of furniture. Then, I hear a strange whistle. Something hits me and I feel really tired all of a sudden. I look behind me where the door is still wide open, and I think I see someone. Another whistle and everything gets blurry. Without warning, I lose consciousness.

  2

  Here We Go Again

  I slowly open my eyes. I feel perfect! I’m standing next to a landing strip. All around me, people are dancing, playing with fake guns, or just standing around like me. Out on the tarmac, partly disassembled, is a humongous bus, tricked out like it should be in a movie. We’re waiting for them to fix it and take us to a film shooting location. Despite all of the warnings—well, teasing actually—I landed a role in a blockbuster. Hollywood and I are made for each other, and I’m going to prove it to the world.

  I feel really bizarre; this wait’s taking forever. Plus, I have the strange feeling I’ve experienced this before. They say déjà-vu is the brain’s response to a stressful situation. But something feels odd, like I just had a dream about this. I must have dozed off . . . Usually, I don’t remember my dreams, but now everything comes rushing back to me: falling through the sky, the deserted Asian house, the explosion . . .

  I nervously check myself for any injuries. Nothing. No pain or even muscle cramps . Everything seems normal . . .

  “The combat bus leaves in ten seconds!”

  Oh jeez! What’s this thing? Could the mechanics have fixed up that beat-up bus so fast? I swallow with some difficulty. In my dream, this machine was flying, but that seems impossible now . . . There must be a giant elevator under the bus. It’s just Hollywood magic, where things aren’t always as they seem. I’d be crazy to miss my opportunity. I have to climb on the bus to get to the film shoot—especially since I have no idea where that is. All these confidentiality procedures are ridiculous.

  I sit down on a very uncomfortable seat. My throat gets tight. Everything is happening like it did in my dream . . . Breathe. I scoot over to the window. I always go for the window seat, that way I can look outside and avoid the other passengers. Especially when my neighbor smells like stinky feet! I just have to glue myself to the window and everything will be fine! Except that one time when the glass was especially dirty and I got someone else’s boogers on my nose. I sure looked silly . . . Ohhh! No, no, no! After a few seconds, the machine takes off. I look around to see the others’ reactions. A FLYING BUS! Everyone seems to think it’s normal. I guess I’ll play it cool, too. I don’t want to look like a wimp.

  This is wild—we’re already pretty high up in the air. The bus is heading toward a big island. As we move in that direction, I see that our starting point was on an island, too, but a much smaller one. These two strips of land don’t seem very far apart. I wonder why we’re not taking a boat, or at least some other vehicle that complies with safety codes. Maybe this is part of the film.

  Uh oh. They opened the back doors and everyone is getting ready to leave. It must be . . . uhhh . . . duh . . . Gulp. OK, this is not looking good. Everything is happening just like it did in my dream!

  Now, let’s see if there’s an easier way off the bus . . . I’m the last one again, and a guy who looks like he belongs in the military waves me over. To keep my nightmare from happening again, I try to walk over very slowly. I stand up, move calmly toward him, and hit my chest two times with my fist to show him that I’m a cool guy. We’re bros; I don’t want any trouble. As I get within his reach, I start explaining to him . . .

  . . .

  What the heck?! I’m mute. My teachers and family would be extremely happy to know I’m being qui
et for once. But I wish I could . . .

  Aaahhhhh . . .

  The big brute is all action and no talk. He throws me out the door as if I were a bag of potatoes! I don’t know his name, I don’t know anything about him, but I HATE him! I finally realize I didn’t imagine it. This whole thing has happened before . . . It’s awful! The sky, the speed, the sound, and the earth getting closer every second! I’m terrified! Breathe. You know what to do . . . First, get in the right position . . .

  Grrrr . . . Hurrruuumph . . .

  TA-DA! I’m facing downward, arms and legs spread out to slow my fall. Then, I start fiddling with my pack to open . . .

  CRUNCH . . . WHOOSH . . . ZIP

  . . . my guardian angel. Oh, God! Everything about this glider is unnatural. It’s practically falling apart! It makes a horrible sound and feels like it’s about to break apart into campfire wood at any second . . . This is crazy. What did I do to deserve this? I can’t come up with any rational reason why this is happening . . . I feel like I’m about to cry, and I never cry.

  I arrive above what looks like a factory, and my trajectory leads me to the middle of a field that clearly functions as a parking lot. In the distance, I think I see the Asian temple from the last time. In a few seconds, I’ll be on the ground. This time, there’s no water, instead it’s actual earth. Uh-oh. I close my eyes and focus the best I can, like I’m a Jedi Master using the force.

  Plop . . .

  Wow! Not bad! Not exactly the most elegant landing, but at least I’ve still got all my limbs. I stand up straight, feeling pretty good. I can breathe a sigh of relief. This place is deserted. I’d love to see another human, a normal person who wants to talk about the weather, sports, or anything at all. In the middle of the nearby field, perched on a massive column, is the biggest building I’ve ever seen. There’s no doubt about it; the universe is sending me a very clear message. If I had my phone, I would post this on Instagram and get a million comments.